Bad Karma*

So, I have been thinking and I have realized that I haven't made a post for the month of December. You want to know the reason why? I am so HAPPY!! I am just plain old happy with B and I am loving every minute of it!
The side note is that I am afraid of bad karma. Admitting to my happiness will probably cause a tree to drop on my car right now even though it is parked in an underground parking lot miles away from any tree. B makes fun of me all the time because I slyly change the radio station from any sad break-up song, I won't talk about break-ups, I won't watch sad shows or movies, I won't put down his birthday in my planner even though it is a month away, and I won't admit to my happiness. I somehow believe that doing any of these things could "lead to a break up."
But considering this is a hypothetical post, I AM HAPPY!!!

*This entire post should be considered hypothetical and as if someone else has written it. Thank you.

Clearing

Sometimes, I just need to write. Somehow just putting it all out there clears my head. I need that today. Last night B took me out to dinner and a movie for our newly instigated official date night and he asked where my mind was. 'Where is my mind?' I have been wondering all last night and all this morning as I waited in blindness at the eye doctor. It feels like it's all over the place and concentrated on one thing all at the same time.
To begin with, work. I recently applied for a promotion and didn't get it. I am completely content with the knowledge that the Lord has put where I am and He will put me where I need to be, but I still worry that politics will get the best of me and I am sitting in a dead end.
Friends: One of my very best friends recently broke up with her boyfriend and is off on a trip to California that I would give anything to be on. She is my trip buddy and I have missed her so much lately. Between dating someone and a crazy life, I haven't seen her much. I miss laughing with her and talking about our goals and who we want to become. I also worry about my other very best friends all over that I haven't seen or heard from and I miss just being a girl with them.
B: We are approaching 6 months and I am so nervous because when my life gets crazy and hectic, the boy in my life usually leaves. My mind is on the fact that I care about someone so much and they might just turn and walk away. My past has caused me this huge nervous twitch that has caused me a few late night panics. My mind is on keeping him happy.
Family: This is a huge one right now becuase my little sister is getting married in two weeks exactly. And as I write this, I realize that this is really where my mind is. My baby sister that I have been a second mother to my whole life is growing up. I used to sing to her as a baby and wake up to her staring at me through her crib bars. We used to play dress ups and Speed the card game until late hours of the night. The sister that I have laughed for hours with and gone on numerous vacations with is growing up. And what I think bothers me the most is that somewhere between talking about wedding invitations and wedding hair, we haven't really really talked about anything normal for months. I realize that what I have been missing most is her. But then I think about how proud I am of her. She has become a beautiful, vivacious, educated, mature woman. Wow. I could not even be happier for her. She has found a boy who is kind and thoughtful and laughs at her and absolutely admires her. I couldn't have hand picked him myself. I could not turn her over to anyone more wonderful.
So there. In a very disjointed way, there is where my mind is. And what is so amazing about it all is that all of that focuses for me because of one thing, getting on my knees. What an amazing blessing it is that the puzzle will always fit back together because of that.

When are you getting married?

If I had a penny for everytime I have heard this question in the past 5 months I would be a millionare. I have been dating a boy for 5 months. I know, I can't believe it either. Usually at about 4 months I start to get a little antsy and wonder why it isn't working and then I freak out and then he freaks out and then we break up. I for some reason have had this set rule in my mind that at 4 months we should know and if we don't, that's it. About two months ago I made an amazing discovery, it's ok to not know at 4 months! I was so shocked at it that I told everyone about it, like it was a big secret that our Mom's had been hiding from us for years. Now I know that there does come a point where you have to make the decision, because in my opinion, love is a decision. I know that love is a decision because if it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many 28+ year old boys walking around passing by the throngs of beautiful, talented, educated women every week in church. (Boys, crazy, all of them I tell you)
Back to the 5 months, usually it hasn't gotten to me, but for some reason this past week it has bothered me. What if it isn't working? What if I am wasting my time? Why don't I already know? By the end of the week I have gratefully come to this conclusion. Everyone has their own time table, especially myself. I have always had my totally own time table. Nothing I have ever gotten has been the normal conventional way. Heck, I went through 5 try outs for different dance teams in high school before I made one. I talked with B about it last night and I realized that all that matters is that we are progressing. We both know what we want the end result to be and we feel like we are going that way. It may take us more time than people are used to, but we will get to that decision. Until then, I'll be makin my million;)

Friday at 4:30pm

It's Friday afternoon and I'm having a chocolate break. I have officially decided that no one should work past 4pm on Fridays. All concentration is out the window and the last hour of work feels like I would rather poke my eyes out than be sitting here.
Today I ate lunch with Miss C, my official source of what I should do with my life. I would absolutely die without our lunch dates and our conversation. If there is anyone who gets me the most right now, it is her. Today's conversation was the usual conversation you would expect from two single girls...dating. I am currently dating someone right now and I realized something, I don't say enough positive about who I date because I think that if I do then it makes me seem more attached. Because I don't do this, I don't ever let the people around me know that I actually enjoy dating the person I am with. Heaven forbid. So with that, for my own sake, I want to say a few positive things about B.
1-He puts me first. He may not be perfect at it, but I have never dated someone who wants to be with me every second and puts me first when making his plans. For example: yesterday was Christmas for any Boise State fan and I had to be a little bit late to watch the game. He didn't care that only one of his boys came over to watch the game with him when I gave him full permission to have a night with the boys, he called me twice to see where I was and if I wanted pizza, and he was totally happy and content to have me there watching with him even if I did fall asleep :)
2-I fit. His hugs and hand holds just fit. I have never felt that before and any girl knows that when she fits she is safe.
3-He works hard. I have never known someone to work their tail off like he does. When he wants to accomplish something, he will get the job done.
4-He lets me vent about my day and anything and will listen. He knows that I need that and he lets me do it. Not every boy is good at that.
5-He compliments me on my talents and strengths. He admires me for those things.

I think I will stop there, but the point is that he makes me happy. It is so far from perfect, but sometimes you are happiest in imperfection.

No small thing

I just heard this line in a song and I had to post it. Call it a little food for thought...
"Loving a person just the way they are is no small thing."

Jaded

Wow, it's been a while. For some reason my dating juices have just not been flowing very well. At the request of probably my only reader, I am making a long overdue post. Besides, I have had this thought floating around for a while.
Jaded = cynically or pretentiously callous. Ouch. Such a rough definition of something that I think I have become. I love watching younger couples. They laugh and play without any fear of pain or rejection. It's funny how I have forgotten what it feels like to date like that. I've had one big heartbreak that has caused my life to become either the life I had before the pain or the life after it. When I think about dating before it I refer to it as having happened to someone else. A life where I never even considered the kind of pain and danger I could be putting myself in merely by going on an innocent mini golfing date.
Something I have learned about myself lately: I have a 20 foot high, 10 foot thick, brick wall with a giant sign posted "I am always fine!" on it built around me. Brick by brick I have subconsciously been building this wall to protect myself from pain to myself or someone else. I am always 'fine' because it's the only way to do it. I was told that I am not outgoing enough by a good friend. If you know me, I have no problem talking to new people, laughing, standing up in front of a crowd, so this caused me a bit of confusion. After prying a little bit he just mentioned that I don't get upset over things and I don't get overly excited about things. I had never noticed this about myself. It is so sad because it is so true. We are meant to laugh and cry and it is ok! This wall is carried by so many single adults you would think they were True Religion jeans. If only we could return to the days of careless play and dating where we didn't already morn the break up when we have only begun to date someone.
Most importantly, I have to share the biggest break through of my dating career. Someone I recently dated in a moment of frustration said to me, 'I just feel like you expect the worst out of me.' If I were in a cartoon the light bulb above my head that flipped on would have been as big as a hot air balloon. That was it! What I had been trying to figure out for years! I had been dating boy after boy expecting them to treat me badly and to do just the same things as the boy before him had done. I was looking for boys to break my heart when they hadn't even done anything wrong. This was huge! Instead of getting upset at him, I couldn't stop saying thank you. I have so far to go in understanding this, but now I can see that until someone proves that wrong, I have no need to be upset at them and keep my wall strong. Dating hurts. It's just the way it is. But what an adventure!

When does the fat lady sing?

Lately I've been wondering this, "When are you really over a person?" This seems to be the topic of conversation going around with my girls lately and several guys for that matter. I know that this is an age old question that seems to have no answer, but really, when is it? When is it time to just let go, move on, be OK with ourselves alone? How long after a break up do you wait to get into another relationship? When do you really decide to just be done with a person and move on? How do you move on? Hmm...
I think that quite often, our parents or those older than us think that we should just keep on trekking through. That we need to get back on the horse again as soon as possible. I am reminded of the scene in 'Sleepless in Seattle' where Tom Hanks tries to go through his roll-a-dex in an attempt to find a date with the song 'Back in the Saddle Again' playing in the background. I am sure that we have all felt like that at some point. I have several friends whose parents think that going on a date as soon as possible will somehow make it easier to move on and that is the way to get over someone. That somehow that will make you stop hurting and missing someone. By the same token, I think that some parents think that laying low and not jumping into anything too fast is the answer. Sometimes I feel like I jump from relationship to relationship without feeling a thing. I've decided that maybe I have become heartless. I've become the girl that is immediately set up after a break up because I am 'in between' guys. It actually makes me sad to think that my history has given me this reputation, but that's a topic for another blog another day. I also wonder what do you do when someone just happens to come along right after you end another relationship? What if they really are amazing and treat you well and are what you need? Do you just not date them for the sake of waiting?
I think that the right time to move on isn't when you decide you are ready to. It's just before that. If we waited to be over someone to move on, we never would. We would let opportunity after opportunity pass us by because maybe that person will come back to us. I think that everyone is allowed their time to mourn the loss of a relationship. It is absolutely vital that we do this. We live in a culture where we are taught to always be perfect and be OK, but sometimes it's OK to not be OK. I repeat, it's OK to not be OK. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Sometimes we have to get back out there even when we don't want to. I think that getting back out there shows the Lord that you are willing to do the work. When we are willing to put our faith in Him and do the work, all things come together the way they are supposed to. It is absolute truth that when we put the Lord first in our lives and continue in faith, the things that need to be in our life will stay and the things that don't will leave. This reminds me of my brother. He went on a couple of dates with his wife and knew that he liked her a lot. He ended up leaving for the summer and she thought he was a little too intense for him. Now I view my brother as someone who is able to leave something behind and be done with it, but for some reason I could always sense that he hadn't quite let go of her. He dated and kept moving forward. A year later, his wife found him again and they began dating and eventually married. I think it's the perfect example of moving forward and things will work out. They always have and they always will.
With that, keep moving forward. That fat lady will sing when she is darn ready to, but maybe you need to keep moving forward and toting her around until she is ready to. Just a thought.

The Beginning

Well, let's start from the beginning. My first date was a classic first date. Dinner, movie, and a cute boy. Little did I know that this first date would only lead to more first dates than I can remember and more heartbreak than I ever wanted. I am turning 25 in a couple of weeks and it has for sure made me think. I never thought I would make it to 25 unmarried, and graduated from BYU no less! It's just not something you plan on when your Young Women's teacher has you write down where you will be in 5 years. My list consisted of 3 basic things: Graduated from college, married in the Temple, and hopefully a baby. I still want these 3 things more than anything. With that being said, I have decided to start this blog at the encouragement of my family, friends, and even strangers. I can't tell you how many times I have been told that I should write a book after I tell one of my dating stories. I am often the entertainment at family Sunday dinners as I tell about my own relationships or those of my friends.

As my first post of my dating musings I want to lay a foundation. I say musings because it will, more than anything, be my own thoughts. I will remain anonymous because I would never want to give anyone any reason to be offended by me. I want this to be an open forum where you can comment, share your experiences, and even pose a question to be answered. I for sure do not have all of the answers, because if I did, I wouldn't be single. But there might be someone else who reads and knows the answer. Sometimes it's nice to just have a totally outside opinion. This blog will also not be a bashing station. My musings will also consist of amusings. I will share my successes and those around me successes. I think we all need to hear when something good is actually happening. It gives us the hope to go on one more date and go to one more party. So, with that foundation, I look forward to sharing my musing with you.
A couple quotes to think about. I couldn't help but laugh right out loud, especially after the weekend I had.
“How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?” - Judy Tenuta
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” - Wendy Liebman