I just heard this line in a song and I had to post it. Call it a little food for thought...
"Loving a person just the way they are is no small thing."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Jaded
Wow, it's been a while. For some reason my dating juices have just not been flowing very well. At the request of probably my only reader, I am making a long overdue post. Besides, I have had this thought floating around for a while.
Jaded = cynically or pretentiously callous. Ouch. Such a rough definition of something that I think I have become. I love watching younger couples. They laugh and play without any fear of pain or rejection. It's funny how I have forgotten what it feels like to date like that. I've had one big heartbreak that has caused my life to become either the life I had before the pain or the life after it. When I think about dating before it I refer to it as having happened to someone else. A life where I never even considered the kind of pain and danger I could be putting myself in merely by going on an innocent mini golfing date.
Something I have learned about myself lately: I have a 20 foot high, 10 foot thick, brick wall with a giant sign posted "I am always fine!" on it built around me. Brick by brick I have subconsciously been building this wall to protect myself from pain to myself or someone else. I am always 'fine' because it's the only way to do it. I was told that I am not outgoing enough by a good friend. If you know me, I have no problem talking to new people, laughing, standing up in front of a crowd, so this caused me a bit of confusion. After prying a little bit he just mentioned that I don't get upset over things and I don't get overly excited about things. I had never noticed this about myself. It is so sad because it is so true. We are meant to laugh and cry and it is ok! This wall is carried by so many single adults you would think they were True Religion jeans. If only we could return to the days of careless play and dating where we didn't already morn the break up when we have only begun to date someone.
Most importantly, I have to share the biggest break through of my dating career. Someone I recently dated in a moment of frustration said to me, 'I just feel like you expect the worst out of me.' If I were in a cartoon the light bulb above my head that flipped on would have been as big as a hot air balloon. That was it! What I had been trying to figure out for years! I had been dating boy after boy expecting them to treat me badly and to do just the same things as the boy before him had done. I was looking for boys to break my heart when they hadn't even done anything wrong. This was huge! Instead of getting upset at him, I couldn't stop saying thank you. I have so far to go in understanding this, but now I can see that until someone proves that wrong, I have no need to be upset at them and keep my wall strong. Dating hurts. It's just the way it is. But what an adventure!
Jaded = cynically or pretentiously callous. Ouch. Such a rough definition of something that I think I have become. I love watching younger couples. They laugh and play without any fear of pain or rejection. It's funny how I have forgotten what it feels like to date like that. I've had one big heartbreak that has caused my life to become either the life I had before the pain or the life after it. When I think about dating before it I refer to it as having happened to someone else. A life where I never even considered the kind of pain and danger I could be putting myself in merely by going on an innocent mini golfing date.
Something I have learned about myself lately: I have a 20 foot high, 10 foot thick, brick wall with a giant sign posted "I am always fine!" on it built around me. Brick by brick I have subconsciously been building this wall to protect myself from pain to myself or someone else. I am always 'fine' because it's the only way to do it. I was told that I am not outgoing enough by a good friend. If you know me, I have no problem talking to new people, laughing, standing up in front of a crowd, so this caused me a bit of confusion. After prying a little bit he just mentioned that I don't get upset over things and I don't get overly excited about things. I had never noticed this about myself. It is so sad because it is so true. We are meant to laugh and cry and it is ok! This wall is carried by so many single adults you would think they were True Religion jeans. If only we could return to the days of careless play and dating where we didn't already morn the break up when we have only begun to date someone.
Most importantly, I have to share the biggest break through of my dating career. Someone I recently dated in a moment of frustration said to me, 'I just feel like you expect the worst out of me.' If I were in a cartoon the light bulb above my head that flipped on would have been as big as a hot air balloon. That was it! What I had been trying to figure out for years! I had been dating boy after boy expecting them to treat me badly and to do just the same things as the boy before him had done. I was looking for boys to break my heart when they hadn't even done anything wrong. This was huge! Instead of getting upset at him, I couldn't stop saying thank you. I have so far to go in understanding this, but now I can see that until someone proves that wrong, I have no need to be upset at them and keep my wall strong. Dating hurts. It's just the way it is. But what an adventure!
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